Answers to Your Questions
1. I have a friend who's been really nice who's been there for me a lot. But for some reason I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him. I feel stressed and I don't feel like I'm the best I can be around him. I know that I probably should just stop hanging out with him, but I feel guilty and we still do get along fairly well. What should I do?
If you feel like you are walking on eggshells around him, why is that? It sounds like perhaps you are holding off on telling him how you feel. Identify and dissect a scenario where you remember feeling this way, what were you feeling? What was happening, what did he say or do that made you feel that?
Assuming you mean you can’t be yourself with him, when you do try to be yourself, what happens in your interaction between you two? Are you able to identify any patterns?
Before jumping to conclusions, why do you think you should stop seeing him? Have you communicated any of this with him or is it based entirely upon your assumption of the situation? Sometimes we assume our perception of the situation to reflect reality, most of the time it is not. Our assumptions and expectations can be very dangerous if we are not aware of how it pops up in our daily interactions. I’d encourage you to have a think and have a heart-to-heart conversation with your friend, he sounds like a nice friend whose been supportive towards you, if given the chance, he might not be aware of this. Many times, our intentions dont get translate well into our words and our actions.
Identify the guilt and unpack it. First of all, why do you feel guilty if you stopped hanging out with him? What is the effect of continuing to be his friend without speaking up to him or setting boundaries with him if he is affecting you?
Remember, speaking up and expressing how you feel about the situation isn’t always about achieving a single outcome. Rather, it is about letting the other person know where you stand so they can make a choice to respond to it accordingly (or not). Your boundaries and speaking up as a protective fence for you to safeguard you against people who will not respect them.
- Eunice
2. I've applied for multiple graduate roles and internships but I've been getting rejection letters. I'm doing really (really) well academically but I haven't gotten any success in terms of job.
I'm starting to doubt myself and whether or not I'm ever going to be able to get a good job.
To navigate this tough phase, rally your support team. Reach out to your university's career hub; they can review your applications and suggest some tips for how to improve your resume and cover letters. It could also be helpful to talk to peers who have been through a similar process and seek feedback on your job applications or interview skills. Sometimes, a fresh perspective can help redirect your approach and offer some motivation.
Self-compassion is key. It’s important to remain kind and understanding towards yourself, in the same way you would to a friend in a similar situation. You are not alone - setbacks happen to all of us and they don't define your worth or potential. Take breaks, engage in activities you enjoy, and surround yourself with loved ones to keep up your spirits.
Where possible, try reframing the situation. Instead of focusing solely on rejections, consider them as opportunities to learn and grow, as well as adapt your approach. Sometimes, rejection is redirection. The right role is out there, and remember that it’s also crucial to find a role that aligns with you.
You’ve got this!
-Geetu
3. How do we deal with extremely high expectations from ourselves that stems from trauma? Feelings like I'm stupid, incapable, and defective, and also intense fear of rejection whenever I feel like I'm not getting "good" grades & the need to punish myself for not achieving enough. Even when I do achieve good grades, I still don't feel like I am ever going to be good enough.
Experiencing unrelenting standards and hypercriticalness towards self can be tough and take a big toll on your health, happiness and quality of your relationships!
I applaud you for your courage and willingness to better understand yourself in this area. Witnessing your own critical inner dialogue and identifying your internalised belief that you need to strive to meet very high standards of performance to feel enough isn't always easy to recognise but is a stepping stone toward change! Rather than adding pressure and expecting yourself to 'deal' with this in isolation, I would suggest booking a session with one of our qualified counsellors, who can be a supportive guide for you as you explore the origins of this core belief further.
Ask yourself, "Where did I adopt these attitudes and expectations from and are they my own?" In doing so, you may discover these extremely high expectations of self have developed as a coping mode to avoid external criticism and protect you from traumatic experiences/feelings surrounding emotional deprivation, shame or a sense of failure.These wounds may become more apparent or resurface in an academic setting as there is often a greater emphasis on performance, competitiveness and being measured or rewarded for behaviours associated with unrelenting standards.
Take self-compassionate action and start with giving yourself permission to make space in your world to just be, connect, rest and enjoy yourself. Guilt free! You might do this by re-engaging with old interests, exploring new hobbies or engaging in offerings at uni that are not focused around achievement, performance or external success.
- Tayla
4. As someone who has mental & physical health issues, I often feel like I have to mask when I'm around people, especially at uni. I fear that people are going to see me as "less capable" & look down on me because of my disorders. I know there's no right or wrong way to deal with this, but I can only do so much masking before I eventually get burnt out. There's a lot of mental health awareness around campus, but I still feel like my mental health conditions are something that I need to hide from everyone because it brings up a lot of shame. I fear that people will think that I'm faking it for attention because I don't "look" like someone who has experienced trauma since I'm high functioning. Any tips on how to deal with this?
I’m sure you already know this (due to your valuable lived experience, this is more for a public PSA for others reading this!), but mental health never “looks” a certain way. We cannot assume that someone is not struggling, or is struggling, based on how they “look”. Each of our situations are valid and unique and need to be treated as such, because we’re all humans dealing with our own stuff.
I’m so sorry that you’re feeling the weight of shame - it’s one of the most painful and challenging emotions. I would recommend working through this with a therapist, particularly around managing your shame and what sounds like fears of how others will see you. I would hope that this isn’t the case and people will accept you as you are - because they SHOULD, but you don’t feel it’s safe enough to embrace who you are and what you’re going through, here are some quick tips to manage your burnout and protect your personal boundaries:
- Know when you’re getting to the point that it’s too much, before you reach it. It’s kinda lame, but I use a numbering system for myself so I’ll ask myself ok full burnout meltdown is a 10/10, and I was a 6/10 yesterday and now I’m a 8/10 - how can I take action to come back down to below a 5/10
- Regulating activities - Something fun, chill, grounding (being outside in nature, music/art/craft, whatever activities you enjoy to give you a space to be fully yourself)
Wishing you lots of light and luck in managing your mental health journey.
- Ellie
5. How do you distance yourself from friends? I'm feeling burnt out from always being the giver?
Ooooooh boy… do I know this one well! Being a giver is a blessing and a curse, as I’m sure you know - you’re likely a wonderful, thoughtful, compassionate friend. But because you’re a human (damn..) you have a limit and you burn out. It’s ironic, but if you don’t look after yourself first - you eventually can’t even look after other people.
So, here are some steps I would recommend to manage being a giver and gaining some space so you can be your best self:
- Communicate. You don’t need to tell them every small detail of how you’re feeling if you don’t want to, but a boundary could be communicated like this:
“Hey, I would love to chat/hang out but I’m actually feeling run down and need some rest time this weekend. I’ll message you next week to catch up when I’m feeling better, have a great one!” OR if they’re asking something from you “Hey, I’m so sorry you’re going through a tough time I can hear that you’re feeling really upset. I would love to support you but unfortunately I don’t have the time tonight to give you the attention you deserve because I’m doing XYZ, why don’t you connect with (insert support person here) and I’ll text you tomorrow to check in to see how you’re doing”.
2. Continue to put boundaries in/take time for yourself - stay consistent!
This could be time boundaries, you may agree to see friends but only 1x a week or for 1x hour before you have to go to X (imaginary plans that look like you chilling in bed with Netflix)
It could also be making MORE plans for your self care that nourishes YOU, not others.
3. Going forward… we need to look at how to avoid getting in this situation again.
Ask yourself honestly - Do you feel bad saying no and struggle to put boundaries in? Do you downplay your own self care and just keep give give giving to others even though you know you’re exhausted?
Not gonna lie… putting boundaries in can feel really awkward and gross. But this short-term discomfort is SO much better than the long term burnout and possible conflict or ghosting that could happen if you keep it going the way it’s going.
- Ellie
6. How do you get through a Rough Patch with your mental health, after a long period of healing?
When going through unexpected or re-occurring mental health challenges, it can be easy to fall into unhelpful thinking about yourself and your progress.
However, experiencing a rough patch is not a failure or a backwards step, it is fundamentally human. Keep perspective that what you are experiencing is temporary and could actually be a catalyst for further healing and discovery. Often our emotional wounds from the past remain dormant until they are activated in the present. As such, it’s important to remember that healing is life-long and not always linear. Getting through a rough patch may look like re-prioritizing your wellbeing by leaning on your strengths and protective factors that have helped you navigate adversity in the past.
Connecting with a therapist can also be a transformative way to uncover deeper themes and origins arounds your triggers, supporting you to better understand your needs and manage your early warning signs more effectively. Please also take a moment to honour your healing journey to date and reflect on how far you’ve already come... you’ve got this!
-Tayla
7. I have constant anxiety about what happens after I die. I think about Death every day and it’s affecting my mental well-being. What should I do to stop thinking this?
The constant feeling of anxiety and incessant nature of the thoughts you describe sounds all-consuming. I’m sorry to hear the impact this is having on your daily life and wellbeing. That is really tough. It makes total sense you have the desire to stop having these thoughts entirely. I can completely empathise with this. However, instead of aiming for the complete absence or avoidance of these thoughts, I would instead shift the focus towards how you can reach greater acceptance of death. It is through acceptance that your relationship with death can change, lowering levels of death anxiety and fear as a result. Ultimately, death is an existential given, a natural part of life we must all encounter. Working with a therapist can be a helpful way to examine your life experiences with and core beliefs about death in a way that is guided and supported. Through meaningful conversations and a variety of exposure techniques, it is possible to transform the way you interact with your inevitable mortality. Better yet, this can re-focus your attention towards how you want to live.
- Tayla
8. How do you learn to navigate a fluctuating self-esteem - and base them off internal rather than external sources of validation?
First, identify why you hinge your self worth based on external sources, because it is something that can be taken away from you.
Second, how has gaining external validation helped you? How has it held you back?
Are you willing to go through the discomfort and resistance it requires for you to switch from external to internal?
Focus on developing an internal positivity reservoir that you can build up by thinking about your own achievements and all the positive feedback you have ever received in your life. Write it down in a document and add to it as you go through life. Return to this document every time you feel low and unsure of yourself. It is essentially a mindset shift - from giving your power over to people - which you have no control over to reclaiming that power for yourself and grow it within yourself.
What are your strengths? What are you most proud of that you have achieved so far in your life?
What are some of the challenges you face, how and what are 2-3 things you learn from them so you can do things differently next time around?
The only person you should compare yourself to is the old version of yourself (who you were last year). You will see the growth and changes within you when you think about this.
I hope these practical tips can help you get started to reclaiming your power and worth for yourself.
-Eunice
9.What are some things that can help someone dealing with grief and loss of a parent?
Parental loss can be one of the most painful, confusing things as a young person.
One of the biggest theories on grief recovery suggests to do both loss related things eg. Grieving, journalling, having time alone, thinking about the person, remembering fond memories, creating a continuing relationship with them (letter writing, having pictures around) AND restoration related things eg. Seeking extra support around you, trying to continue hobbies you enjoy, doing new things, going on some new adventures to remember that person by.
It all has to be in the right timing - there is no one way of grieving.
Your grief also changes. Normalise that for yourself, and make sure the people around you understand that too.
You may need different things at different times as you begin to readjust to life, and that’s more than okay.
