SEXUAL HEALTH QUESTIONS 

I'm just not comfortable in my body, and that makes sex a really awful thing for me. I just don't enjoy it and it's more stressful than anything. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I don't know where to go from here, but I do know that I want to change this eventually. Do you have any advice for me?

That sounds really hard! And definitely not unusual – despite what we might see in movies or TV, peoples’ experiences of sex and intimacy can be really complicated, or difficult, or unpleasant – and of course the way you feel in your own body will affect your experience of sex. 

It’s really normal to take some time to figure out what works for you and what you feel comfortable with, and that process isn’t always straight-forward. The most important thing is that you are only doing things that you want to do, and that you feel safe to consent freely. If you don’t enjoy it, you don’t have to do it – and you certainly don’t have to go through the motions.

But I hear you when you say that you want to change this eventually, and if you want to, it might be worth getting some professional support to help you figure this out – perhaps a counsellor or a psychologist? You could start by talking to a GP or trusted person to get some recommendations – or if you’re between the ages of 12 and 25, booking an appointment at your local headspace.

I asked someone if they are disease free and they got mad. I feel like I hurt their feelings, but I want to be safe. So how do you politely or tactfully ask someone about their sexual health? What is a good phrase to use?

It’s such a good idea to stay across our sexual health and one of the ways we can do that is getting tested regularly and encouraging our sexual partners to do the same. I’m sorry the conversation you had with this person went south in this instance! 

Not everyone feels comfortable talking about their sexual health or sex life for fear of judgment or stigma. It can always be useful by starting that conversation by explaining where you’re coming from e.g. “I want to stop using condoms”, “I’m going for a test soon”, and identifying your motivations for raising sexual health.

I try to cut phrases like “clean” or “normal” out when I’m talking about sexual health to avoid stigmatising when we do get infections. Instead, we can try “my last results were negative, how about yours?” or “my STI check was all clear”. 

Sometimes, even getting an STI check can be scary, especially if you haven’t had one before or had a bad experience last time. Maybe you could offer to go together - you’ll still end up seeing the nurse or the doctor separately, but at least there’s someone to hold your hand for a blood test or there for you in the waiting room.

Good luck with your future conversations!

I feel so uncomfortable even talking about sex or anything to do with sexuality or sexual health, which I think stems from how I was raised and some bad events I've experienced. How do I even begin to feel more comfortable, explore this side of things for myself and start to heal?

It can be really hard when the bad experiences we’ve had stop us from moving forwards with our lives and I’m sorry you’re in this position, it’s already incredibly brave that you’ve identified this about yourself and are making an active effort to grow.

When we talk about growth and recovery, you might often see that journey referred to as “non-linear”. What we mean is that there isn’t an easy quick fix, that sometimes you can feel like you’re moving backwards or not making any progress, and that sometimes the end point isn’t what you expected. 

There isn’t a right way to explore or heal, but it’s important to know you don’t have to do it alone! Having a chat with a trusted health professional or counselor could be a good start and there are also therapists that specialise in sexuality and trauma that could be a good fit for you. 

One of my favourite books about sexuality is Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski which really changed the way I thought about libido and arousal. The Scarleteen website is also a wonderful resource for sex education, information about sexuality and reading about other people’s experiences going through the same or similar things. 

You’re not alone! I wish you all the best with your journey, no matter how long or winding that path may be. You are already growing as a person all the time, and that is incredible!

I have a colleague at work that keeps making inappropriate comments about my appearance and they just have a very creepy vibe. I hate being alone with them. I don’t know how to deal with this because they’re my manager and I obviously don’t want to quit my job over this because everything else about the job is good. I am so scared of confrontation about this.

This is significant challenge - especially when the one person you would think of speaking to is the perpetrator of what you are feeling.

Firstly, it could be useful to keep a record of each inappropriate comment or unsettling interaction. Note the date, time, location, and details of what was said or done. This documentation may be valuable if you need to escalate the issue further. I would also encourage reflection on what is contributing to your discomfort in confrontation. It is a pervasive feeling or specific to this situation? If you're early in your career, the delicate balance between the desire to please our colleagues may lead individuals to tolerate less than ideal situations. Identifying the source of your discomfort can potentially prevent the recurrence of the situation in the future. Is it the power dynamic inherent in their managerial position? Perhaps it's related to their role as an authority figure, or there may be concerns about personal safety.

Regarding inappropriate comments, I am assuming that they are of a sexual nature. If so, your organisation may have policies and procedures to address such issues. Familiarising yourself with these guidelines can provide clarity on appropriate steps for you to take in response. 

Another option is considering a direct conversation with the involved manager, maintaining an assertive yet composed tone. If this seems daunting, confiding in a trusted colleague or friend can offer valuable support that may help with the confrontation - it may even be helpful having a third party there during the confrontation. Remember, confrontation can still be done in a non-threatening way.

After reviewing the various options available to you including direct communication with the individual, involving HR, or even approaching your managers manager, select an approach that aligns with your comfort level and one that prioritises your well-being. You have every right to feel safe and respected in the workplace.

Is it normal for there still to be pain and some bleeding when having penetrative sex (with a long term partner)?

There are so many reasons why sex can be uncomfortable, sometimes painful and why we can get bleeding after sex (regardless of our gender or genitals). But none of these things should be occurring with any kind of regularity. Pain and bleeding with sex could be a sign of a sexually transmitted infection or it could be as simple as needing a bit of extra lubrication. The best thing to do would be going to see a health professional you trust to get some advice. They might want to do an examination and run some tests for you.

You can visit a headspace GP, a medical centre at the uni or call your local medical centre to ask for a doctor that has an interest in sexual health. You can also contact the Sexual Health Infolink on 1800 451 624 to find a sexual health service.

I’m trying to figure out my gender identity because I often struggle with more feminine aspects of my appearance, e.g boobs and hips, but as someone with a history of eating disorders, I don’t know if my issues with my body are gender based or if it’s just because I see any curves as me being ‘fat’ (which i know isn’t a bad thing, but is a thought pattern i struggle with).
How do I disentangle the two? I am also uncomfortable with being called a girl and similar but do generally present somewhat feminine so I really don’t know. 

Thanks for your question! It can be so difficult trying to disentangle gender identity from body image and weight concerns, especially with a history of eating disorders – but of course these things are going to be closely linked because they all relate intimately to our sense of ourselves and how we present ourselves to the world. 

I will say that you are the only person who gets to define your gender and what you get called, and also that this may change over time – and that’s ok! But it must be difficult struggling with that thought pattern and not knowing which threads or instincts to follow or trust. I reckon that some kind of counselling or psychological support could be really beneficial to help you tease this out, because it sounds like a big knot that you’re trying to untangle (and have possibly been trying to untangle for some time), and sometimes having another mind working with you can help bring new perspectives into the mix. And, as you’ve identified, your history of eating disorders is making you more wary of some of your own thought patterns and perceptions of your body, and having a professional perspective could help you feel more reassured about this. If you’re aged between 12 and 25, you can always start this journey of seeking counselling at your local headspace centre.

MENTAL HEALTH QUESTIONS 

This holiday period is really hard for me because I'm going through a lot with my family. I don't have the energy to buy people gifts or hang out or go to social events. I just feel fake when I'm there because there's too much going on. But I still want to be able to share joy with others and I'm usually such a giver. How can I cope with this?

I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time. The holiday period can be really challenging especially when you’re experiencing a mismatch between your current capacity and energy levels, and how you would have wanted to spend this time. I know a lot of people struggle with this at this time of year. 

It sounds like a very complicated time for you with your family and all the expectations of the holiday season. I hope you know that it is ok to spend this period however you need to, and for it to look different to previous years. I wonder about the expectations you put on yourself (as well as maybe pressure from others to participate in a certain way?). It’s important to be real with yourself and true to what is going on for you, and to look after yourself in that. 

Maybe it would help to tell some trusted friends about what is going on with your family, so that you don’t feel like you have to fake it when you’re spending time with them. Sometimes showing up in your authentic state can allow you to enjoy things more than trying to fake it, even if it’s a bit uncomfortable at first. 

I also wonder if you could find new ways of sharing joy and being a giver – because it sounds like that is important to you - that fits with your current energy levels? And, perhaps most importantly – could you be kind and forgiving of yourself if you’re not able to do this? Even just the fact that you’re concerned about being able to share joy and being a giver suggests to me that you’re a really generous person – and I imagine your friends would know that too.
Try to focus on self-care, whatever that looks like for you, and really tuning into what you need to help get through this time.

How do I differentiate burn out from depression? During exam period, I was feeling fatigued and without energy. I couldn't bring myself out of bed, even though there's revision and assignments to complete. How do I get over this?

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a challenging time, especially during the exam period. It's not uncommon for individuals to experience fatigue and a lack of energy under these circumstances.

Burnout often arises from the strain of excessive workload, whether it be related to university, work or life demands. It is specific to a particular situation and tends to improve with time away from the overwhelming tasks. On the other hand, depression is characterised by a pervasive sense of sadness that may seem disconnected from any apparent cause. Unlike burnout, depression doesn't necessarily alleviate with rest or a break from the triggering factors; it affects the overall relationship with oneself, the world, and others.

Given your description, it could be valuable to consider the possibility of burnout due to the specific demands of the exam period. It's essential to acknowledge and address the emotional strain you're experiencing. Taking breaks, practicing self-care, and seeking support from friends, family, or professionals may be beneficial in navigating through this challenging time.