Written by Meriadoc Wilson, with assistance from Jordan Barnes and Leonard Grose

Originally read by Shu Li Lau for UNSW Queer Revue 2019

Once upon a midnight stormy, while I Grindr’d, queer and horny

Over many a twink and bear on their profiles, torsos bare—

  While I dreamt of later fapping, suddenly there came a rapping,

As of someone keenly tapping, who saw my pics and now wants more.

“’Tis some trade,” I muttered, “seeking pics of my back door—

      Only this and nothing more.”

  Then this hunky jock beguiling my inner ho into smiling,

By the confident allure of that suggestive pose he wore,

  “If thy rear be shorn and shaven, thou” he said, “art sure no craven.”

  So I showed my rear, all shaven, which I’d done just hours before.

I threw in some well-shot dick pics that would seal the deal for sure—

      Quoth the Trade “Nice, any more?”

  “Babe,” said I, “what about you? What I sent you is brand new.”

“Nay,” said he, “I don’t take pictures of what lurks beneath my britches.

  Asking you for what you’ve shown does not imply I’ll show my own.”

“Fine,” said I, “I’ll see it soon whether bare or hair-festooned.

I’ll send you one more portrait lewd to let you see what lies in store.”

      Quoth the Trade, “Nice, any more?”

  “Be that phrase our sign of parting, I’d have known it since our starting—

You are just a catfish lurking; you’re the sort that I deplore.

  Leave no message as a token of the lies thy soul hath spoken!”

  And the catfish, never shirking, still is lurking, still is lurking—

I’ll delete this app unholy, I’ll not send one hole pic more—

      I shall Grindr—nevermore!