It's become the latest in TikTok code-speak —underneath any video detailing tumultuous dates with men, the top comment usually mentions “the bear”. Who is this mystical bear that the women of TikTok speak of, you may wonder? It’s no singular mammal in particular, but a theoretical one, posed in this steadily popular question —if forced to spend the night in a forest with a man or a bear, who would you choose?

The bear is almost always the top choice. And it's not hard to see why. 

These comments are often the result of storytimes left by women on social media, retelling uncomfortable or dangerous situations involving a man, usually in a romantic setting. Of course, these stories are rightfully met with empathy and well wishes, most commonly by other women. In a country where femicide and domestic violence statistics are on a terrifying rise, these videos are integral to providing women a platform to seek solace and community that institutions can’t provide. However, there is a giant silence met from a specific group in these online comment sections, and from wider conversations in general. Men just do not speak up.

The upsetting realisation is that these expectations, these conditions of masculinity, have all been created, upheld and maintained by men themselves. The unwillingness to share emotions for fear of being emasculated, the pressure to uplift oneself up so much that no one else matters. Not to say that this is a viable excuse for their lack of support or action, as everyone has free will, but these institutionalised values and pressures are only interfering with our chances of being completely supported by the men around us. 

Reaching true self-realisation would be not falling into the trap of these sensationalised, masculine-forth ideals, and it's not an easy task. I find it upsetting that to snap men into these conversations, you often have to bring the women in their lives into the equation. What if it happened to your mother or your sister? Why must it only occur within your social circle for it to garner a human response from you?

There are some lights at the end of the tunnel. For every incel-approving TikToker, there’s also a man who loudly and proudly encourages conversations around women’s safety. Creators like @turtleneckemo and @jayrscotty are great examples of attempts to fuel activism into the daily FYP scroll, with them uplifting women proudly. But, there is so much more work to be done. Maybe if enough women pick the bear, men will start to realise that too. Making a conscious effort to fight against the systemic pain that women experience at the hands of straight men makes you a bigger ‘man’ than any amount of testosterone could make you.

Those who rebuke the bear question are, more often than not, straight men. It may seem unfair to single out behaviour based on sexuality; for every few misogynistic straight guys, there’s one gay man who thinks stanning female celebrities gives him a pass to speak ill of women. But, as unfortunate as it is to endorse stereotypes of Queer behaviour, women simply perceive gay men as friendlier, as proven through vast anecdotal and peer-reviewed evidence. When focusing the conversation on the comfortability of women and their safety, shifting the focus onto straight men seems more appropriate as a statistical majority. 

Of course, every yin must have its yang, so some men took it upon themselves to adapt their own animal-related question —a woman or a tiger? One ‘intellectual’ on X (go figure), stated he’d choose the tiger since it wouldn’t complain that he “only lasted four seconds.” This weak-minded response is only a fraction of the onslaught of misogynistic jokes easily found online. I think this behaviour is tell-all, and exposes just why attempting to involve straight men in difficult conversations about female safety is so increasingly hard.

The internet is becoming very skewed towards the individual. Having an individuality complex a few years back was praised —good job for sticking it to the man, and for defying the expectations of the collective. However, with just how individualised the average internet experience has become, it has made us lose a sense of overarching community altogether. Algorithms are personalised to show things to make you feel awesome like you’re the most important person in the world, and there’s no group of people we’ve seen this work better with than the straight man.

I feel like the term ‘toxic masculinity’ earns many an eye roll nowadays, but it's the phenomenon that has caused such a stray away from allyship. Whether it be the Andrew Tates or the Ben Shapiros of the world, so much ‘masculine’ content is geared towards uplifting the individual man watching, and forcing the hypothetical woman into a submissive position. Decades-old gendered ideals are recycled over and over —men are expected to be in control, be the breadwinner. Placing themselves this high on their internal pedestal only means they’ll lash out when they feel threatened.

The common pushback from men is usually “not all men,” or “but I’ve never abused a woman.” There’s an incapacity to think outside of their individual experience as a man, a clear lack of empathy, and it's all festered and encouraged by these online creators who preach peak masculinity as the be-all and end-all to being a proper man. These men choose to make an interpersonal connection when faced with the topic of sexual assault, catcalling, or simply respect. They involve themselves in the conversation, but only to assert themselves out of the equation. Women emploring for their stories to be heard is depicted as a personal attack, rather than a cry for allyship or support. 

Patricia is a third-year Media Arts student who voluntarily spends too much time and money customising her posters on Letterboxd. You can find her constructing intricate playlists for her comfort characters and attending every single concert she physically can.