Who are the two biggest villains you can think of right now? For us, Ursula definitely comes into mind - stealing Ariel’s voice is creepy for sure.
And this guy. Affectionately known by the Australian voting population as Scomo. Taking all the credit for his colleagues' work, pooping himself at a Maccas back in the day - definitely a villain in his own way.
Ursula, the majestic octopus-human hybrid she is, resides within the depths of the ocean. But one can’t help but imagine that maybe this poor villain deserves a lover too?
I mean, gaze your brown/blue/black/green/probably-bloodshot-from-uni-stress orbs upon her, she ain’t settling for a poor boy, she’s giving material-gworl. I strongly believe that finding a lad in Hawaii is fitting.
Which makes me feel like this guy:
Ursula loves water, and Scomo uses taxpayers money to escape the bushfires and traverses to the tropical island of Hawaii on a private helicopter, so what better way to establish a meet-cute?
With Scomo having negative L rizz, Ursula would have to absolutely make the first move. Slithering her way from the shores, she wraps a tentacle around his 7th pina colada for the day.
Scomo's orbs freeze to a lower temperature than the pina colada in his hand on the purple sack in front of him. Who is this majestic creature? Why did she choose him?
Ursula leans, softly speaking into his ear “Where’s my vaccine?”, smirking at his bamboozled face.
Scomo has unconsciously channelled his inner Barnaby Joyce, the excitement within his heart promoting the blood vessels of his face to dilate. He opens his mouth, only for it not to produce any syllable.
“Come with me”, Ursula expresses. She drags Scomo into the depths of the ocean to quench the bushfires to his heart so clearly visible in his eyes.
Deeper and deeper they swim, Ursula having to wrap at least 5 tentacles around Scomo to stop him from escaping, 1 on each limb and the final around his flower garland around his barely established neck.
Scomo can’t believe his orbs. He witnesses the beautifully sculpted buildings of the ocean’s city, the blue parks with lots of children playing, mermaids and mermen conversing in front of different stores, and a supermarket named Coalz full to the brim with seaweed toilet paper on special! What a bargain!
“We are almost there, to where to magic happens”, Ursula utters, looking back at Scomo to make sure he still is travelling in one piece. Scomo can only nod back. How hypoxia has not caught up to him, no one knows.
Ursula drags him away from this city, further into the depths of the blue abyss. Until it turns navy. And then black. They emerge from the pool of black to what seems like an aquatic dystopian wasteland.
Carefully, Ursula places the lad on a comfortable rock (oxymoron?). There she concocts a Vegemite-flavoured Indian pale ale for her potential suitor. For herself, a strawberry daiquiri - icon behaviour.
Together, they sip their drinks and “constructively” criticise each other's actions from their past (one probably dishing out more hot takes than the other BUT not naming names). Together, they reflect on what they SHOULD HAVE done, instead of what they did.
They cried as Scomo recounted when Biden referred to him as “that fellow down under”. They laughed when Ursula spoke of her attempts to seduce Prince Eric.
Ursula shed a tear when Scomo described that he loved all Australians. Scomo’s eyes were filled to the brim when Ursula described how had it not been for her, that Ariel would’ve never had the chance to form a bond with Prince Eric (which I wouldn’t mind because I want Eric for myself but I digress).
After hours of sipping, talking, arguing, laughing, crying and Ursula occasionally breaking into a song with Scomo cracking a jig, she let him go back to his villa.
“Thank you Scomo, thank you”.
“No Ursula, thank YOU”.
Scomo, not wanting to forget his underwater adventure races to the bathtub in his villa, dropping a Flower Bombshell bath bomb from Lush to dissolve. Feeling the fizz of the bath bomb dissolving, his phone rings.
“Yello, Scomo speaking”.
“Scott, it’s me, King Charles”.
Scomo straightens his back, not expecting a call from the King of England or whatever.
“Scotty boy, we need to talk”.
A shockwave travels down Scomo’s vertebral column. He clears his throat as he responds “Ok”. This is serious business.
The bath bomb has dissolved completely, leaving dried rose petal buds scattered around the surface of the water.
The most beautiful shade of pink ever. Purple.
The skin of her.
Her.
His love.
Material gworl.
With King Charles speaking over the phone, Scomo cannot help but smile at the thought of his purple majestic creature…
Fin.
