Like many other naive, hopeful romantics of the digital generation, I found myself downloading dating apps for the first time shortly after my 18th birthday, with dreams of meeting my soulmate or, if that failed, making some lifelong friends. I would end up on two of the 'big three' dating apps - Hinge, Tinder and Bumble (my absence from Bumble was due to technical difficulties rather than any personal vendetta against the app, let it be known). Ultimately, Hinge would be my favourite, as I enjoy the quippy prompts and more personalised profiles. I, of course, had no idea what the reality of those apps would be when I first joined; from dry texters to unfortunate reunions to traumatising conversations, I would soon learn that I was foolish to hope for a peaceful, typical experience.
I've organised some of the people you meet on these apps into five categories, each with nuances. I am sure anyone who spent even a day on Hinge has encountered some variation.
Something in the Hinge algorithm knows what you want, and early in your tenure on the app, you'll have your first encounter with your 'perfect person'. They'll be attractive and stylish, share your interests and be everything you could ever dream of. You'll work hard to send them the perfect first message, ensuring you stand out from all the rest. Maybe it'll be a funny joke, a heartfelt compliment or even a cheesy pickup line, but whatever it is, you'll have drafted and edited it more times than any assignment and put all your hopes into it. Of course, they will never add you back. Unfortunately, this is just a definitive fact of life: the earth is round, the sky is blue, and you'll never match with that dream person on Hinge. Don't take it as an insult; it's got nothing to do with you; it's just a humbling ritual that we all have to go through to prove we are strong enough to last on Hinge.
The classic international student in Sydney is looking for a 'good time, not a long time' and is seeking a tour guide to show them the best nightlife spots. Their Hinge profile consists of pictures with iconic landmarks from back home and answering two separate prompts reminding them that they're 'just another British lad', even though the prompt asked for their 'unusual skills'.
You'll be charmed by their accent and how impressed they are when you say you know the perfect 'underrated' drinks and chat spot in the city (JAM record bar) or the best nightclub that you totally know the bouncer at (The Ivy, you know the staff because they don't let you in half the time). It'll be fun to feel a rejuvenated appreciation for the city you haven't had in years, even if it's just showing someone unaware enough to still be impressed by the QVB. Unfortunately, there is a time limit on your summer romance fling, and inevitably, they'll be on a plane back to Ireland before you even realise it. At least you got to be their short-lived Australian sweetheart. I guess it's time to get back on Hinge.
We're all victims of unintentionally adopting TikTok lingo into our daily lexicon. Still, you don't realise how far it's gone until you see seven Hinge profiles in a row seeking 'someone who loves to yap'. We all love having fun conversations, but the Yapper is a specific breed. They'll find a way to include this fun fact about themself in every single prompt, from their greatest strength (yapping) to being weirdly attracted to this (yappers) to even their love language (yapping). No matter how much they love yapping, that doesn't always mean they're good texters; don't be fooled by their self-proclaimed conversational skills. If you're lucky, they'll also have included that the way to their heart is through a 'little sweet treat' to give them sustenance to continue yapping for the rest of the day.
There is nothing wrong with having an interest in the gym or even focusing on physical self-improvement, but it gets to the point where someone's whole personality becomes 'gym'. You can identify them a mile away with their iconic gym mirror selfies. They use the prompts to their advantage to tell you about their gym successes – 'my greatest strength is how much I can lift' or when they want to have a conversation starter, 'I bet you can't; guess how much I can lift'. This is the perfect person to match with if you're seeking advice on the cheapest gym membership in your area or the best easy protein-heavy meal recipes, but if you pursue a romance with them, just know you'll always be second place to their one true beloved: Gym.
We have all been and been a victim of the dry texter. No matter how much you may have in common with someone, unfortunately, sometimes the connection isn't there over text. Even when you try to escape the dry text zone by asking questions about their interest, the dry texter will shoot you back a simple one-sentence text answering your question without leaving any opening for you to reply again. The brave will try again to prompt a new conversation, maybe asking for some music or film recommendations, but the dry texter just isn't getting the hint that you want to talk more, and in the end, the conversation dries out. If you're a dual app user, this situation can be worsened when you accidentally match with them again elsewhere and either awkwardly mention that 'I think we matched on Hinge, but you were very dry, so the conversation went nowhere' or pretend you don't remember that happening at all, and give them a second chance.
Honourable Mentions:
The couple seeking a third 🦄 will eventually realise that they'll be much more successful if they pivot to Feeld, but for now, you'll accidentally match with them, thinking they were one single person. Maybe that's your thing, though; I won't judge.
Your ex who has cropped you out of one of their pictures. If you're brave, you'll ignore them and move on, but many will block them out of fear. All are acceptable approaches. This is not your sign to reconnect with them; do not give them your rose and ask for a second chance.
The 50-year-old who somehow managed to send you a like even though you have an age range set. Many of us know the horror of being asked by a 55-year-old man if we are interested in some 'discreet fun with an older guy ;)'.
Someone who was in your tutorial last semester.
Everyone you ever went to high school with, even if you went to high school outside of Sydney.
Stella Clementine (they/them) is a second-year Arts and Fine Arts double degree student, studying English and Film. They spend their free time watching more movies than is considered healthy, eating Stellini’s pesto pasta and drawing on their iPad in the library while listening to New Wave music.
