I could wax lyrical about the incredible literary feat that is the Secret History by Donna Tartt – and I will, briefly. This novel is a transformative masterpiece! No one has ever come out of the book the same person as they were when they first opened it, whether that be for the worse or the better. Never have I read such an immersive, heart-palpitation inducing, absurdly comically, unendingly pretentious and wanky novel, and I highly doubt that I will ever again – it truly is one of a kind.
Here’s the vibe: Richard Papen drops out of a Californian med school, moves to Vermont and joins the fictional liberal arts Hampden College, where he begs his way into a highly exclusive Classics class, which specialises in ancient Greek, taught by Julian Morrow. We open the novel with the line: "The snow in the mountains was melting and Bunny had been dead for several weeks before we came to understand the gravity of our situation." As the novel unfolds, we slowly uncover the who, what, when, where, why, and how of this (tragic? deserved? inevitable?) death.
I’m not alone in wanting a movie adaptation of this novel, first released in 1992. There have been multiple attempts, starting shortly after its release by director Alan J. Pakula (of All the President’s Men fame), then Gwyneth and Jake Paltrow (yes, Gwyneth, the founder of Goop), followed by Bret Easton Ellis and Melissa Rosenberg in 2013. The reason for this series of failures cannot be attributed to one thing alone, but after the complete critical flop of The Goldfinch (2019) – a film adaptation of Tartt’s (almost as good) second novel – I can’t fault her for not trying her hand in Hollywood a fourth time.
Luckily for you all, I’ve read this novel with the keenest eye for detail, scrawled the most nonsensical annotations, and drawn hearts around the most deranged of lines, and therefore, there is no one more qualified to fancast a hypothetical film, than me.
Judy Poovey
Judy Poovey is arguably the best character in the entire novel – though she isn’t part of the core Greek class, her constant presence sprinkles a sense of normalcy into Richard’s, otherwise immensely high-stakes, life. This may be a niche pull, but her energy is identical to Beth from The Next Step, if she was aged up and constructed for an adult audience. All in all, Judy would be played by Clueless star, Brittany Murphy (rest in peace).
Julian Morrow
Julian is a fascinating character – he is camp, yet conservative, omniscient, yet naïve, generous and caring, but at his core, simply a narcissist. He’s like if Michael Caine, Jeff Goldblum, and Robin Williams had a cult leader baby. Of course, there’s no one better to play him than Jude Law – picture his version of Dumbledore, but 30 years older.
Francis Abernathy
What can I even say about love of my life, gay icon, hypochondriac, only member of the Greek class with what could pass as a sensible head on his shoulders, Francis? He is the moment. Whoever plays him would need the easy nature of Thomas Brodie Sangster in the Artful Dodger and the flourish of Timothee Chalamet as Laurie in Little Women. If I’m casting race blind (which I am, you can argue with the wall), the essence of Francis would be brought out deliciously by Kit Young (of Shadow and Bone fame).
Charles Macauley
The incestuous, angry, jealous, bicurious (when drunk – which is concerningly often), Charles. The layers of this man are delicate – on the outside, he appears to be one of the more normal members of the Greek class, but as the situation declines, so does his stability. This might be a strange pick, but somehow, I have faith that he has hidden depths – Rudy Pankow (yes, from Outer Banks – just trust me on this.)
Camilla Macauley
Charles and Camilla, Camilla and Charles. Concerningly close to her twin brother, the only woman amongst a Greek class of men (yikes), and the romantic interest of every man in the novel. While she’s incredibly intelligent, her value to Richard, the narrator and protagonist, is in her stunning, delicate, feminine beauty. Sound familiar? She’s already played the same trope once in Pride and Prejudice as Jane – young Rosamund Pike.
Edward (Bunny) Corcoran
The novel starts with a description of Bunny’s murder in cold blood – and though this is initially shocking, as we get to know him a little bit better, that murder seems justified. Not for the reasons the Greek class present, but because he is self-absorbed, mannerless, irritating, and has a multitude of loudly conservative, yet contradictory, social and political opinions. An all-American douchebag. Someone that encompasses the punchable face of Biff from Back to the Future (Thomas F Wilson) and the whiny loser energy of Cole Sprouse in Riverdale is needed– Austin Butler.
Richard Papen
Our California born and raised, unreliable narrator, who really has no personality beyond an incessant need to find the picturesque in everything, and a crippling inferiority complex. Richard is like if Nate Archibald (Chace Crawford) from Gossip Girl had a baby with Knox Overstreet (Joshua Aaron Charles) from the Dead Poets Society, and every comic relief side character in a Disney show who just desperately wants to be part of the group. Hot take, he should be played by Joseph Gordon Levitt.
Henry Winter
Henry needs the smart psychopath energy of Barry Keoghan in Saltburn, combined with the tall, fear-inducing, imposing figure of Jacob Elordi as Nate Jacobs – I’ve scoured my extensive knowledge of movies and TV shows, explored the hellish ancient depths of Tumblr, and scrolled endlessly through IMDB pages, and yet, no one has jumped out at me. I cannot put my finger on what it is I want, but no one seems to have it. I’ll just have to settle for the perfectly serviceable popular fancast of Henry Winter played by Zane Holtz circa Dusk till Dawn.
And there we have it! My extensively pondered, probably rage-inducing, dream cast for a hypothetical film of my favourite novel.
Divya is a second year Law/Commerce student, dancer, violinist, lover of all things pretentious, and an amateur at every craft known to humankind. She writes short stories, essays, film scripts, but at her core, she’s just a theatre kid and an aspiring playwrigh.
