Read the transcript below or listen to Jeeve's interview with Luke here: 

TRANSCRIPT

Hello friends, this is Jeeves and I’m talking to one of my all-time comedy favourites. Sydney Comedian and all-round good bloke, Luke Heggie. Thank you for joining me Luke!

Thanks for having me.

No Problem. Hey Luke, have you ever been a “Lucas”?

No, I haven’t. I only get called that once by people, then I threaten them, and it doesn’t happen again.

I’m about to ask you a question that I personally hate asking, BUT for our listeners who haven’t had the pleasure seeing you on stage, how do you describe your comedy?

Oh, not really very important. Just stuff that’s annoying me and there’s quite a lot of it. That’s about it.

I’ve got a description that I think is quite apt – see if you agree with it: rustic, rapid fire poeticisms against pretentiousness.

Ah yeh, ok. I’ll take that. Sounds quite nice. That’s more articulate than what I said, so yeh, let’s go with that.

I quite like your style actually and to be honest I don’t know if a lot of people have that sort of style, that I’ve seen on the comedy scene. It sounds like your comedy is very stream of consciousness.

Ah, a little bit. I try and link it a little but generally it is just a bunch of stuff loosely threaded together with no consequences and no real message. So, I’m not looking for people to learn anything from my shows. I don’t care. You should have gone to school, you know? [laughs]

I like that. And I think that’s why people like watching you, as well.

Oh that’s nice, yeh.

Not that I can imagine this, but have you ever encountered anyone who wasn’t on board your style of comedy?

Oh yeh! All the time!

Really?

Oh for sure, yeh! I get people walking out. And probably the worst – and this is not a great scene for comedy – is corporate gigs. You get 100% of people who absolutely hate it.

Really??!

Oh yeh. Its bad. I’ve had a really bad time at them – I’m not a corporate act. But even comedy clubs and even my own shows, sometimes I go appallingly. Get off to a bad start and people don’t like it.

Have you ever read a review that was a bit off-colour?

About myself?

Yeh.

I don’t really get into the reviews. I find reviewers are generally failed artists who have, you know… I don’t really know what it is about them, but it’s the opinion of one person, generally a man who still lives at home and has seen thousands of hours of comedy and probably not going to like me.

You know what? I’ve stopped asking people to come and review my show ‘cause I don’t give a shit anymore.

Oh, it doesn’t affect business. I’ve had good and bad reviews and it hasn’t affected a thing in terms of ticket sales so yeh, just leave it alone.

You’ve actually inspired me to not give a shit about it anymore – it feels like a weight has just been lifted off my shoulders.

Ah man when they ask to come, I say, “Yeh, for sure. Just come along.” When they ask to be out on the door I say “No. Buy a ticket.” And they generally don’t. So, that’s a good way to stop getting a review – make them buy a ticket.

I was sad to realise you don’t have a Wikipedia page yet.

No. Is that something you do yourself, is it?

No? Um…no. If it was… well what does that say about people, you know?

Yeh, I know. Its not something I’d think to do or even care about.

Yeh. It makes sense you haven’t gone and done one because I feel like that’s on brand you – that’s a level of pretentiousness that you would argue against.

oh, for sure! Imagine that coming out – that you prepared your own Wikipedia page! That’s embarrassing! I’ve got a website with my name on it – I’m ashamed enough of that. It’s a bit ostentatious. If people want to know about me, they can look me up.

Well that’s the thing I tried but I thought a fun way to do this interview, so that people can get to know, is if you could talk me through what WOULD be on your Wikipedia page. For example, your early career - what were you doing before comedy?

Oh man, I’ve had so many jobs! It’ll be a long page if you want to catalogue that – yeh I’ve just been floating around like a loser for 35 years before doing comedy. I’ve been doing all sorts of stuff: did a lot of travelling, a lot of manual jobs, a lot of hospitality jobs, retail, had a few jobs that were in offices, that sort of thing.

I feel like you have the Carl Baron story… he used to be a roof-tiler of something?

Oh yeh, he was a roofer. Since being a comedian, I’ve been labouring for a builder friend of mine, which is pretty good, on and off, keeps your physical. Those blokes say some very funny stuff – it’s good and I don’t mind doing it.

So was comedy something you were always passionate about?

No. Absolutely not.

Cos the first time I saw you was I the Raw Comedy finals, but before that were you doing open mic nights?

No. First thing I did was Raw. I didn’t know anything about it. I didn’t know there were open mic nights.

Amazing! That’s such a good start to your career.

Yeh, was alright but um, went downhill from there pretty quickly, yeh and then it’s just getting back up now. As soon as I hit the open mics I thought “Geez, is this is what it’s about, is it?”

Ah! Its something even now I’m trying to get back into only because I feel like I should. But, its exhausting. I’m old…

Oh it is. It’s tiring.

Its like going out every night and I can’t do that.

Yeh right. I kind of make myself do it. Some nights you don’t want to but I just book in something for every night, go out and do it. Yeh, its good. Only way to keep sharp, really.

Yeh fair, ok. Ok family life? Who’s a part of the Heggie household?

My wife and my two children.

Ah fantastic! Are they supportive of your comedy career?

My wife’s excellent. She’s been very, very supportive of me. I’m away at the moment – I go away all the time and she’s left looking after home and without that I couldn’t do it – not at all – there’s too much touring involved. If you had someone sitting in the house who hates you, wouldn’t be nice coming home to that, so, she’s been great.

And what about your kids?

Yeh they come to gigs every now and then. They enjoy themselves - they’ll go somewhere like the Comedy Store where they can sit up the back and eat Maltesers and hide in the dark – it’s quite fun. I don’t really take them to too many gigs or anything ‘cause they’ve got school.

How old are they?

11 and 9.

Oh, that’s cute. Do they contribute jokes to your repertoire?

Not really. Kids aren’t that funny. I talk about kids in my shows but not too much, these days. I had big chunks when I started, about little children… One day they’ll grow up and listen to my back catalogue and go, “ah shit that’s about me, is it?” It’ll be a bit grim, but anyway, I’ll be long gone by then.

I feel like Children’s comedy is a growing genre at the Melbourne Comedy Festival… you wouldn’t do a day-time Luke Heggie special?

Absolutely not! No way. I can’t really work clean. It’s hard for me to get through 15 minutes -THIS is difficult for me to not swear for the entire time we’re not talking.

You’re allowed to swear in this, by the way.

Yeh ok! Yeh, I’ll try not to. It’s a good exercise.

Proudest moment in Comedy? Or Life?

Oh, hard to tell in comedy – I don’t know. Just ploughing on, really. I don’t really go for recognition and awards and stuff – I don’t really care about that stuff, it’s useless. But I’m proud of writing a bit that’s a difficult sell and managing to make it funny and acceptable and not get too many people walk out on it – I’m quite proud of that when that happens. I filmed my show last year. That turned out well. I was quite proud of that when that happened.

Oh, which one was that?

It’s a show called Have That. I filmed it at the Metro and it turned out really good so that’s something to be proud of, I suppose – it’s something I can keep.

If the listeners are interested, it’s on your website – they can take a look at it there. Ok, so Lowbreed, your new show - what are you most excited for about it?

Um, I’ve only just stated the run, actually. I’m only 3 nights in. So, I’m excited to see if it’ll all come together. The last couple of nights have been great, in Brisbane. Nice crowds getting right into it, which is good. So, you know, if that continues, I’ll be happy. But I just want to be able to do the show and paranoia night take over and people aren’t going to turn up anymore – so we might be up against it for the next couple of months, but who knows. Some of the stuff I’m talking about isn’t traditionally that nice so it’s, again, hard to… I’m excited to see if I can sell it. Particularly if Melbourne audiences don’t all turn on me.

No, they definitely won’t! The last time I saw you was in Melbourne – you got out your banjo. Can we expect to see more of that?

Ah yeh, mandolin!

Oh yeh! It was a mandolin, not a banjo. That’s right.

Yeh I’ll do that at the end of the show, so it’s not exactly a highlight – but its something – it’s just playing the outro music, really. Its not musical comedy – its just “there you go, see you later.”

Well, that was sort of my next question: would you ever venture into musical comedy?

No, I’d leave that to the experts. Some are really good at it – I’m not a good musician. I certainly couldn’t right a parody song, or anything. I’m just mucking around, really.

I remember seeing the mandolin on stage, wondering “Oh, when’s that coming out? When’s that coming out?” And then it did in the end, and it was a good pay-off, I must admit. [laughs] I waited a whole show for it and then you did it and I was like “YES!”

Yeh, cool! [laughs] I could just leave it there like Chekhov’s Gun. Just leave it there – don’t say anything. Walk off [laughs].

So, in a true Luke Heggie style, I figured I’d ask the next series of questions as QuickFire questions.

Ok. Hit me.

Do you own a boat/ boat shoes or pastel-coloured t-shirts?

No. Definitely not.

If you had a boat what would you name it?

Ooh! That’s a tough one, maybe… Bobby Six-killer.

Are you friends with people who have spirit animals?

I doubt it! I wouldn’t be if they told me. I’d have to cut them off [laughs].

Most of these questions are assumptions I’m making about you about you and it’s working out…

I’ll try and pass your test, then.

No, it’s passing quite well. Do you have a spirit animal?

Absolutely not! No one does, Jeeves! You know this.

Oh! These are fun questions – I’m enjoying it. Do you have a go to karaoke song?

Ah! I was at karaoke just the other night, actually! I’ve got a few go-to’s… Probably Mr Big, To Be With You.

Ah! There you go! Good. I like that! Do you have any advice or handy hints about how to navigate the coronavirus pandemic?

No. Just take it easy. Don’t succumb to the hysteria. Society is just going to collapse so quickly when people are fighting over bog roll and pasta and stuff. It’s insane. So…

It’s amazing.

[Laughs] It is an indicator of if something really serious happened what people are going to do – they fall apart and there’ll be some real problems. I’m going to have to go out and bash some people for their food and stuff, or whatever – it’s weird.

Just today on the news this morning I heard that three tribes of monkeys in Indonesia or the Philippines were arguing over a banana and I thought “are you sure they were monkeys?”

Yeh [laughs].

It’s been 10 years since you won Raw Comedy. What do you plan on winning next?

Oh nothing. Maybe a living out of comedy so I can stop swinging a hammer at some stage and be a full-time comedian. That would be a victory for me.

Luke, I would say you are a full-time comedian – you’re touring all the time.

Oh, I am on and off – I’ve got building down to about 2 months a year, at the moment. I’d like that to be zero.

I think we share the same passion, but I think a part of me will always want to do something with my hands - create stuff, make stuff and build stuff.

Yeh. Oh, it’s great – I’d love to have a workshop and just make stuff. It would be a good retirement. Pretty cool.

When you get a workshop, Ill come and use it.

Oh, you can come and use it – I’ll give you a key. Come in and use it – help yourself [laughs]!

What would you want written on your gravestone?

“Don’t touch my stuff”

[Laughs] I like that. That sums you up perfectly. SO! Lowbreed at the Sydney Comedy Festival and Melbourne International Comedy Festival, for our listeners in Melbourne. If you’re in Sydney – You’re performing in two venues: The Comedy Store - May 7 and May 8, then The Factory Theatre - May 9 and 10. You know what? May 9 is my mum’s birthday – I might bring her!

Oh do it! Yeh great!

You do quite well with the older audiences, I feel?

Ah yeh, the older more liberal audiences. I do have some oldies come and complain because its not like comedy was when they were young. But I prefer a bit of grey hair in the audience. The youth are where I have trouble – anyone under 30ish – it’s a vast generalisation – but not many under 30’s enjoy my comedy.

Really! Ah. You know, that’s really saying something about that generation.

Oh, they’re sick! …No [laughs], some of them are ok but I don’t know. They should go to something else, really – not take the risk.

Well, I hope more and more of the get to appreciate your style because it’s wonderful and I thoroughly recommend see Luke Heggie! Tickets available at Ticketek.com.au. Mr Heggie thank you so much for the interview!

Oh, mate! Thank you.

Cheers bud and no doubt catch you, no doubt… probably in Melbourne?

Oh great! Yeh, I’ll see you out the front of Town Hall!

SYDNEY COMEDY FESTIVAL

The Comedy Store: Thu 7 & Fri 8 May, 7:00PM &

The Factory Theatre: Sat 9 May, 7:30PM & Sun 10 May, 6:30PM

Bookings www.sydneycomedyfest.com.au or 02 9020 6966