Picture this: It is 2022, you are relaxing in the living room, eating some KFC (a Zinger Box, if you have any sense) and all seems well. You turn on the TV to browse Netflix but before you can, the news headline catches your eyes.
THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE: UPON US AT LAST
This is Zombie Apocalypse à la the traditional Romero’s film Day of the Dead; zombies killed by a headshot.
Well, shit. What now?
No fear, for this is the tier guide to help you defend yourself from zombies, Kitchen Edition. I’ve ranked them for your convenience; from bottom to top. Step 1: Get yourself over to the kitchen and get ready for warfare!
Tier 1: So impractical you’d have to be in a popcorn chicken haze to choose this.
For the uneducated out there: a popcorn chicken haze is the heavenly yet impractical contentment one feels after eating way too much popcorn chicken. Side-effects include sleeping and making bad zombie decisions.
This is straightforward; you may think something heavy, like a microwave or a Creuset pot, is going to be great for zombie head-bashing. You’d be right! But you’re going to wear yourself off really quickly. Unless! You are very fit. But for us normies, do not pick the coffee machine. These are tough to hold.
Plus, these are tough to hold; don’t be the idiot with their hands close to a zombie’s
mouth because you have to bear hug the oven to pick it u
Okay! So far, you're not dead. That being said...
Tier 2: You’re dead if you choose this.
If you choose the cutleries, the measuring spoons, and the pestle & mortar. They're too short; get your hands away from the zombies!
We are looking for the items which keep us the farthest away from the Zombies. Also, do not take things from the fridge. Most foods and packaging are fragile and won’t slow them down.
Plastic is too light to do any damage. Just don’t.
Still alive and breathing? Don’t open the back door, I promise you it’s not your dog.
Tier 3: Useful... somehow
If you choose oven mitts without a weapon, you will die. But the mitts could protect your skin from potential infectious zombie bites, so slightly useful. The twine and glad wrap do the same thing.
As for weapons, the glass in this tier (jars, cups and containers) could do some damage, but also, to you. Be careful of shattered glass! The graters and mixer are also slightly impractical, but useful in a pinch. For example; zombies ambush you from behind your sliding door! What to do? Mixer to the eye! (Effective but only when you're close). And as for the grater, well I think it’s a pretty ~grate~ way to blind your enemy (it might buy you a few seconds!).
How’s the door barricade holding up? Stop stress-eating the KFC, please. Albeit it may be your last good meal for a while… Focus up! We survivin up dis!
Tier 4: We’re moving up the hard hitters:
I figure pizza dough and plates have a similar shape to records, and as we know, records are great weapons when thrown (see here for this hilarious scene in Shaun of the Dead).
The steak knife, spatulas and spoons may be too short for comfort, but if you throw them. That’s some good potential.
The juicer and the scales are here because they are a good weight (not too heavy) but also still hefty enough to crack some skulls.
Do not panic! There may be a zombie KFC delivery person coming towards you, but don’t panic. We’re getting to the real tools now.
Tier 5: The crème de la crème of kitchen defences
You’re in your kitchen. Oh no, what are you reaching for? These. Reach for these. The saucepans and fry pans. Long handle, not too heavy, good shape for hitting stuff à la Tangled (this is a Disney fry pan ad, amazing as it sounds). The rolling pin and longer knife have the range and the weight. The kettle is also multifunctional! You've got boiling water and a heavy pot to bash heads! Watch your hands though!
If you, for some reason, have a fire extinguisher in your kitchen, then this is amazing. Highly pressured nozzle to push back hordes, and then a heavy metal case to beat them up! It’s perfect. The wok and this type of fry pan are solid. Large surface + long handle equals lots of dead zombies. Use your whole kitchen to your advantage. Slamming them with kitchen cupboards, fridge doors, even the sink could disorient them enough to slip and fall. You might be asking why I’ve included the actual kitchen in this tier... Reason being? Space! A fallen zombie is an easily killed zombie.
And finally, what I would consider the best tool in your kitchen arsenal: The cocktail shaker. May as well go out swinging sipping on a Zombie Cocktail! (This is actually a thing.) Plus it’s long, heavyish, and stylish. Shake it around and shake up some brains while you’re at it!
By now you should have killed the Zombie Delivery guy. If not! Then you’re dead. Sorry mate. But to all you zombie apocalypse survivors out there, don’t underestimate your Kitchen armoury. That may be all standing between you and a bunker is one well-aimed spatula toss.
Stay safe out there!
Author's Bio: Alexa Stevens is currently studying a double degree of Commerce and Arts. Self-proclaimed
book nerd, she’ll read (and watch!) pretty much anything; the more gore, the better. When she's
not listening to BTS or memorising random trivia, she’s writing poetry.
